So heading into a Friday night I’ve spent most of my day turning over in my mind a conversation I had last night while driving home from New Jersey. Now, I know full well what a bad idea it is for me to put this out there-but it’s kind of what this blog is, so in for a dime-in for a dollar I guess.
Twice this week, once on Wednesday and once on Thursday in very different ways and very different circumstance my ability to sustain my side of a relationship was certainly questioned and perhaps even doubted. Now the first one was not one that would make you stop and think all that much and I won’t dwell on it all that much. But taken with the second event, it makes you think a little. Enter my weekend to ponder.
So far, I’ve realized that during the last 20 years or so my direct inter-personal relationship was with my wife who was my wife who was in a pretty steadily deteriorating state dealing with a brain tumor. In looking back, as she slipped away first intellectually and then physically I retreated inward. I dealt with a lot of pressure between her care, child care, nurturing my career. There was not a lot of time for me to sustain the social tool box that I had at one point.
Now professionally I am a different person. Even with a group of people who are good friends who I would go to bat for and watch a back for any day of the week, it’s a different setting.
When it comes to opening up and being just me, guard down, planning turned off-I feel clumsy even if I’m not I still feel that way. And there in lies the rub for me. There are inter-personal settings where that kind of encounter is expected, and this week I learned at least once and probably twice I have a long way to go.
When I stand in front of the mirror shaving in the morning I know the person looking back at me is doing all he can and really pushing hard to be better at it. Still, there is a nagging sense that I could be doing better. Now to ponder how?