My Weekend to Ponder

So heading into a Friday night I’ve spent most of my day turning over in my mind a conversation I had last night while driving home from New Jersey.  Now, I know full well what a bad idea it is for me to put this out there-but it’s kind of what this blog is, so in for a dime-in for a dollar I guess.

Twice this week, once on Wednesday and once on Thursday in very different ways and very different circumstance my ability to sustain my side of a relationship was certainly questioned and perhaps even doubted.  Now the first one was not one that would make you stop and think all that much and I won’t dwell on it all that much.  But taken with the second event, it makes you think a little.  Enter my weekend to ponder.

So far, I’ve realized that during the last 20 years or so my direct inter-personal relationship was with my wife who was my wife who was in a pretty steadily deteriorating state dealing with a brain tumor.  In looking back, as she slipped away first intellectually and then physically I retreated inward.  I dealt with a lot of pressure between her care, child care, nurturing my career.  There was not a lot of time for me to sustain the social tool box that I had at one point.

Now professionally I am a different person.  Even with a group of people who are good friends who I would go to bat for and watch a back for any day of the week, it’s a different setting.

When it comes to opening up and being just me, guard down, planning turned off-I feel clumsy even if I’m not I still feel that way.  And there in lies the rub for me.  There are inter-personal settings where that kind of encounter is expected, and this week I learned at least once and probably twice I have a long way to go.

When I stand in front of the mirror shaving in the morning I know the person looking back at me is doing all he can and really pushing hard to be better at it.  Still, there is a nagging sense that I could be doing better.  Now to ponder how?

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