In a week that for me was very introspective and reflective – I realized that months ago (with some help) I was able to symbolically close off on another chapter in my life – but at the time I let the moment go. I think part of the reason the symbolism was lost on me is because it was more of a symbolic holding on – and not a fear of letting go. Still, as I learned from a blog I was just introduced to, holding on and letting go can come up and get you at random moments.
The moment I’m talking about is when I cleaned out Risa’s closet over the summer.
When we moved into our house – one of the attractive features to her at the time was the pair of walk in closets in the master bedroom. And she filled hers to the max. But there was always a door there, and for the most part to me was out of sight, out of mind. Even though it took me nearly four full years to empty it out – it was never a fear of letting go that stopped me. It was simply out of sight, out of mind.
But for others looking in – I can understand why they would imagine I was holding on to avoid letting go. I think now after Laura Fahrenthold’s blog on it, I can at least sort of understand what others were thinking.
When you’re the only parent in the house – I think there is a tone you have to set in the house. In the days after Risa passed I pulled out pictures and other things. In the days after the funeral, I took them all down and put a few pictures into the girls’ rooms – but I did not create a shrine. Her closet was never meant to be a shrine either. Just one of the things that would one day get checked off the list.
For a few months ago, that item is done. It was never a matter of holding on or letting go for me – it was a matter of getting to that item on the checklist – and getting it done. Memories are for holding onto. Things are for letting go – the memories don’t live there anyway.