Although it wasn’t by (my) design – I had the house to myself last night. But it’s a few quiet moments this morning – while the girls are sleeping upstairs that seems more relaxing to me.
Maybe it’s because I’m a little better rested this morning. Maybe it’s because I’m not in a flurry of text messages with the girls over who is where and when they are coming home….
Or maybe it’s because I tend to be a morning person (now).
There was a time when I was able to sleep well past 10 in the morning. Now sleeping to 830 is sleeping in for me. But that time has become some of the most productive of the day for me.
Whether I am out getting the weekly food shopping done, getting to the gym, heading out to the trails for a bike ride or a run – or simply catching up – getting a few quiet moments in the day isn’t so bad.
Despite having those moments last night – there is no way to gauge the productivity as I sat on the couch watching Chopped and hockey.
So, coffee at my side I get some writing done here and on a few work projects (even on a Sunday) and try to figure out how else to make use of a few quiet moments – before getting into the crux of the day.
On the Friday of Thanksgiving weekend we did the unveiling for Risa’s mother’s grave. Which became the first stop in a place I truly struggle. Perhaps I’ve had too many cemetery moments in my life – it’s just not a place I find comforting or peaceful. But I also don’t want my inhibitions to influence my kids, so after the unveiling we went to Risa’s grave – which is also where my father and brother are buried.
I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about my hangup with going to the cemetery – and a lot of time in therapy talking about it. What it comes down to is not about the memories. I encourage my kids to talk about their mother, I answer questions about my father and brother, we talk about Risa’s parents and times we all spent together.
But there is something about going to the grave – those cemetery moments that is just unsettling for me. And since I don’t want my hangups to influence the girls – it’s a stoic moment as I place the rocks on the markers and keep it together.
I think 14.0 realized it this time – she came by and gave me a much-needed hug. Choking back the swell of emotions – into the rest of the day we went. I needed that time with the girls to realize how much I have – and not focus on what I’ve lost or have missed out on in life.
There will be more cemetery moments ahead, and as a family we’ll share the memories and keep those who are not with us alive in our hearts.