Snap Decisions

Snap DecisionsThis morning I was playing back a conversation I had with 16.0 last night and it finally crystalized for me – the toughest part (so far) about being a parent to teen-aged daughters is the snap decisions that have to be made.  The moments I’m talking about are when you’re in the car or eating dinner and a subject comes up – and you’d like to say give me a few hours, but the verdict needs to be rendered now.  A snap decisions, and then you have to live with the consequence.

It’s not a new subject to struggle with. I found this from 2011 about snap decisions.  Although this context was much different I think the key is consistency.  The decisions that are a bigger struggle are the ones that fall outside of the flow of the day-to-day.

The most recent use case was 16.0 wanting to go to a party with some of her co-workers.  She got into the car a little after 7 and wanted to know if she could go.  Honestly, I was not thrilled with her going – not because I don’t want her to have friends at work but because this was with some of the older people she works with, who are in this country to work for the summer and living at a hotel a few towns away.  So, knowing all of this I held my breath and told her yes – and she knew she would have to figure out how to get back and forth to the party.  (I dodged the bullet when she couldn’t get a ride).

In thinking about this a little more – I realized a snap decision – positive or negative is actually easier in an only parent household.  There is no good cop/bad cop bit to fall back on, and no worry that the script won’t play forward.

So now I kind of like those moments when I get time to think about something and make a decision.  That’s not to say it’s still not a chance to agonize – just that agony can be dragged out before I’ve made a decision – as opposed to agonizing after another snap decision.

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Judgment and Discernment – Synonyms?

Question-264245_8285So, lately I’ve been struggling with the gap between judgment and discernment – if you were to go on Thesaurus.com judgement and discernment are synonyms.  The origin of judgment dating back to the 13th century:

judgment early 13c., “a pronunciation of an opinion, criticism,” from O.Fr. jugement (11c.), from jugier (see judge). Meaning “any authoritative decision” is from early 14c. (the Doomsday sense, “trial of moral beings by God,” is mid-14c.); meaning “the forming of an opinion” is from late 14c. Sense of “discernment” is first recorded 1530s.

The origin of discernment is a little more circumspect:

discernment 1580s, from discern + -ment.

So perhaps the answer lies in the definition?  I figured I’d check dictionary.com.  For judgment (in context of my current thoughts) the fourth definition is right:

the forming of an opinion, estimate, notion, or conclusion, as from circumstances presented to the mind:

Our judgment as to the cause of his failure must rest on the evidence.
As opposed to discernment:
the faculty of discerning; discrimination; acuteness of judgment and understanding.
So, with all apologies to my third grade teacher where they are using the root of the word in the definition, the reference goes back to judgement  – not quire helping my current conundrum.
So, here’s the issue.  As life rolls along – I am trying to figure out if we pass judgment or simply discern facts and then take action?
I’d like to think we practice discernment over judgement in most things – and once we reach a level of discernment we’re able to apply a judgement.  But is it wrong to pass a judgement before the facts are discerned?  Is it even possible?
I supposed based on the world-wide web (and that’s never wrong, right?) they are synonymous terms – so there is no difference.  Yet I can’t help but think there are.
So before passing judgement on this conundrum – see if you can discern a meaning – and then let me know, because I remain as confused as when I started.

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The College Visit

Campus.Tours_.One of the easiest ways to mark milestones in life is on birthdays.  I realize now at the end of last week I found another (and certainly the exhaustive list is not two) – 16.0 and I did her first college visit.  On a 90 degree day we wandered the West Village visiting New York University.

As we were walking between the buildings around Washington Square Park I could not help but picture 16.0 as a two or three-year old when we first brought her into the city – but now she’s a 16-year old-young lady walking with other perspective NYU undergrads.  Quite a difference – and a milestone I wasn’t quite ready for, yet there it was right in my face.

I started to look at the other parents walking along and wondered if they were having the same moment as me.  It would be surprising if they weren’t.

Almost every seasoned parent tells new parents (I can still hear the commentary loud and clear) as they are holding a new-born, “Enjoy the time, it goes quickly.”  Certainly it does.

I can remember like it was yesterday taking my girls out into the snow for the first time, the first time we got on a plane for a family vacation, the last vacation we took before Risa’s condition worsened.

Now there are new moments for 16.0 to share and embrace.  Some of them I’ll get to share in – some will be for her to experience on her own and share (if she wants) with me.

New chapters will be written, new milestones achieved – all starting with the college visit….

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Triggers and Reactions

problems-triggers-reactions-understanding-adI guess you never really know what will set you off and how you’ll react to it.  Triggers and reactions are probably near daily occurrences – and some are probably predictable and others can spin you around.

Some are predictable.  For me, walking by a pizza place generally means I’ll be hungry.  Walking by (as opposed to grabbing a slice) is a measure of success in managing the trigger.

Some triggers and reactions are relational.  Seeing a concert (I was at Dead and Company last weekend) usually triggers a party atmosphere where a fun time can be had.  I suppose how much fun you have is a way to measure that trigger’s impact.

Situational triggers and reactions occur as well.  No matter how tired I am when I drag into the gym I get going and the environment gets me through the hour (or so) I am there.  Although the measure could easily be the quality of the workout, I prefer to gauge the success on how I feel three hours later – if my energy or focus is better after the workout.

Other times triggers and reactions aren’t as easily defined.  The measure of success is equally ill-defined.

There are moments I can be thrown back to the morning when my father died by simply seeing an ambulance in front of a house with its doors open.  There are times I can be back on the corner my brother was hit by a car simply driving by a car accident.   Forty plus years later my reactions to these triggers are sometimes a deep breath – but rarely more than the imagery.

Other moments in time have triggers and reactions that are a bit more raw and tougher to manage and measure.  Those are the moments that will one day be a deep inhale – but today can be just about anything.

I’m not sure if measuring and managing those triggers and reactions is the best plan – but it’s what I do and sometimes it’s harder than others.

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Savor and Appreciate

death of a friendFor a couple of weeks now a story that many of my friends know about has haunted me – but I really haven’t talked about its impact on me.  (For anyone who knows me, they know that is not a surprise at all).  One of the reasons I have not spoken much about the sudden death of a friend from my childhood is because I could not figure out what was so upsetting to me about it – then I realized that doesn’t matter.  The take away is to savor and appreciate what we have because it all goes by quickly.

Gabe Selig and I were never super close.  We were friends through grade school and into high school.  He grew up for the most part across the street from my grandmother’s house.  We shared many classes together, had mutual friends and later in life at a few chance meetings in the city shared some beers.

Gabe collapsed and died playing ultimate frisbee with a team he belonged to about two weeks ago.

When I first saw the postings on Facebook I thought it was a joke of sorts – Gabe announcing his retirement from frisbee.  Then as the tributes to Gabe rolled in, I realized it was not a joke – someone my age in relatively good (at least appearance wise) health suddenly dropped dead.

There are lots of images from my past of those exact moments – maybe this conjured some of those up.  Maybe the fact that I’m closer to 50 than anything else has me wondering about what my life will be like in five or 10 years.  Or maybe its a sign to savor and appreciate what you have now – and focus on the good things in life because there’s no telling what tomorrow holds.

I wasn’t there that Sunday when Gabe collapsed on a field – and it took more than a week before I was able to find details to what occurred that day.  I was watching the pictures Gabe shared from the frisbee event that weekend as they flipped by on my Facebook timeline.

I know all too well – from my father, to my grandfather, to my brother, to my wife that life moves at its own pace and its own path – maybe the lesson though is to savor and appreciate the moment….

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What’s a Fax?

old-fax-machine1One of those moments happened recently – when “new” technology of my younger years was met by one of my kids with a question.  The item was the fax machine – and the question, “What’s a fax?” 16.0 asked.

After thinking about it some, I realized she’s probably never seen one, and even if she did – she’d have no idea what it is.  So I explained, “It’s a machine that could call another machine and transmit pieces of paper.”  I’m not sure if she completely followed my explanation, but it worked.

The exchange made me think about a video I saw recently on my Facebook timeline about kids today trying to fire up an old school Atari.

The quick history here is 16.0 had her wisdom teeth (all four) taken out recently.  They were growing in sideways and just beginning to cause a problem – so rather than wait until the college years and deal with it in an emergent situation, we took care of it now.

The recovery was a little slow, and rolled into the Memorial Day weekend – which meant 16.0 would not be able to start her job at the water park, so on the Friday of Memorial Day weekend she called in and they told her she’d need a doctor’s note and gave her a fax number.  Getting the note was only half the problem – as there are not many fax machines around.

It did make me think about the early days of fax machines (and the early days of my career) at WRKL radio in Rockland County, NY.  Back then, the fax machine used a roll of paper – which apparently was pretty expensive.  The local police and district attorney would fax over press releases – and the general manager of the radio station would bring them to us in the newsroom and tell us how much each story cost the station in fax paper.

The last time I can recall using a fax machine was in the early 2000’s and at that point, the fax machine was only inbound – there was no way to send a fax from the device.

Technology itself changes so quickly – take something introduced to the market just 15 years ago, the iPod.  Look what happens when kids of the iPhone world try to use iPod generation 1:

“What’s a fax?” was today’s question.  I have to wonder what question my grandkids will ask…

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Spring Time Of Year Again

spring into summerEven though the weather here in NY is very un-spring like, given all the stuff going on it’s spring for sure.  This spring is going to unfurl into a different kind of summer here, as only one of the girls is going to camp.  Make no doubt about it though, it is the spring time of year again.  But before that, we still have to navigate softball, track, finals, packing and new this year getting 16.0 ready for a job.

I’m hoping I am not short-changing the packing this year.  My thought is since it’s only one going to camp I don’t need all the time needed to pack, so 13.5 is not yet started camp packing.  We’ll see how that goes.

For 16.0, she’ll be lifeguarding at a water park about 30 minutes from the house.  What I hope she appreciates (I’ve said it to her exactly this way) getting her to her job is not my job.  Hopefully there will be carpools and the occasional über.

In the meantime – both girls need to keep focus on the end of the school year.  13.5 blustered her way through a research paper this weekend, and 16.0 has already taken an AP test.

So, packing will start soon for camp.  16.0 begins work over Memorial Day weekend – it’s spring time of year again – lot’s to get done before summer sets in, no matter what the weather is like.

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The Next Great Debate? Or A Sign of the Times?

teens-staring-at-phonesI’m not a massive fan of the humor/satire site The Onion, but an older video from their site recently made its way to my Facebook timeline – and I was thinking that could easily be me (maybe without a discussion on euthanasia of course).  The surgical attachment of devices to the hands of my teen-aged girls – is this the next great debate? Or a sign of the times?

From The Onion archive story tells the story Caitlin Teagirt a 13-year old who is reduced to simply rolling her eyes and grunting because of digital addiction.

To be fair to 15.5 and 13.5 – I am perhaps guilty too of being over connected (but that’s also how I pay the bills).  But at this point, it’s generally easier for me to communicate with my kids via text – or if I really want to capture attention Snapchat.  Shame on me for getting to this point.

At the same time, I also see technology is the equivalent of making phone calls and gathering up with my friends when I was their age.  For both girls, there is a constant flow of group texts, group Snaps and group Chats – it’s not a lack of socialization.

To me the issue is the dynamic within the house – and the rolling eyes and the ever-present mobile phones.  It’s an uphill battle and one I’m not entirely sure I want to take on – after all I’m not contemplating euthanasia and it’s not getting in the way of the important aspects of home life.

When thinking about the question of if it’s the next great debate, or just a sign of the times – I’ll fall to the latter and accept the present.

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Aging and Now This

arthritis hipAs if I didn’t have enough issues with April and just the realization I was getting older – along came a moment of “again, and now this” to deal with.  The this being arthritis.  And yeah, at 49 I am a little young for that.

So this story really probably started back in January or February (if not earlier) when my left hip started bothering me.  I am mostly aware of how my body feels during and after working out – and I knew that the discomfort was something more than just post workout strain.  But it wasn’t awful so I did some rest, some stretching and “worked through it.”

Some rest here, thinking about a running schedule (no more than every other day), lots of yoga and stretching and I’ll be OK.  Then came time for a 5K race and a week of business travel right before it.  In looking at my meeting schedule for the business trip and how it would lay out – a few days of running on the road, a short run in Vegas and I’d be lined up for the 5K.

So in Vegas the first day I could not get my hip loose enough to run.  Not a problem.  I’ll go a day off running and then do a long run the following day – the show I was at had a 4K associated so I signed up.  Downside for me is a business need arose, so I had to skip the 4K and just run on a hotel treadmill.  Although I was never comfortable, I got through three miles – enough to make me think a 5K 4 days later would be OK.  So over the next 4 days I focused on stretching, strengthening and building up endurance (lots of really boring elliptical time).

Home, and then the event.  It was a boardwalk and beach 5K.  Three quarters of a mile down the boardwalk.  Three quarters of a mile back up the beach and repeat.  After the first leg I felt like my leg was going to collapse from under me – that would not be good.  So I did something I haven’t done since I blew out my knee just about four years ago – I actually walked away.

I stopped my race knowing something was wrong.  I made an appointment with a highly recommended hip specialist and the verdict was arthritis in my hip.  No telling why it happened – I can guess a combination of catching for years, being over weight for years and just plain bad luck.  But I have to deal with it.

And in my case the inflammation now is pretty bad – but I got through a 5K survival race over the weekend with the girls (and placed 7th in my age class (out of 42 entries)).  But still I have to figure out how much I can push and when I have to take a break.  I really want to play in a hockey tournament over Memorial Day weekend, and I will do the Tough Mudder in July.  How much more I can do is an open question….

April is the month that keeps on giving.  Bad memories, aging and now this…

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Of April, Birthdays and (Over) Thinking

RisaThe sayings go March comes in like a lion, goes out like a lamb to yield way to April showers for May flowers – April is not quite that optimistic a month for me.  For me it’s a chance to mark birthdays and over think milestones – not all of which are happy but I suppose that is the fertilizer of my life’s may flowers.

April starts with marking Risa’s birthday (4/6).  I have to confess it is among the dates I could never get right.  I always knew it was the sixth or the eighth – so I was ready for the sixth and rolled with it.  The month also the marks the passing of my father (4/14) and a reminder of my mortality (4/24).

Into that mix goes the rest of life that we deal with – the comings and goings of kids, the planning for events, work, school and all of the other pieces of life.

Last weekend 15.5 had a couple of camp friends over for a night.  It’s a small group of girls that have been close for five years – and this is the first summer they won’t be all together.  Some (like mine) are working, others are going to different summer programs and a few are going back for the next summer in camp.

I took that group plus 13.5 and one of her school friends to a local hibachi place for dinner.  As we were sitting there and I looked at the girls (each of their faces glowing in the light of their iPhone) and realized simultaneously how lucky I am and wondered what if life had been different?

We got the crew back to our house and 13.5 and her friend went upstairs and 15.5 and her friends went downstairs – and I sat in the family room watching hockey.  It wasn’t long before 15.5 asked me if a couple of boys could come over.  “It’s on now,” I thought – but I was prepared for this (shockingly I’ve thought about it).

So the boys came over and joined the music and shouting in the basement and I sat on the couch – trying to figure out how to pirate the west coast games (I couldn’t) and managed to stay awake long enough for the last of the boys to leave just before midnight.

One of the thoughts was how would this play out in a two parent home?  Would Risa have handled this differently?  I’m pretty sure I handled it right and the kids all had a good time – but should there have been more rules? More supervision?  Would a mom and daughter be a different mix than a dad and daughter?

I don’t get to change the equation on the last question.  So as we mark what would have been Risa’s 47th birthday and the march of milestones go by – April birthdays and (over) thinking gets started.

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