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In the world of single parenting-speaking broadly you can categorize single parents into two groups: widows and divorce/separated. There is far more nuance than this I know but at a high level there is a dividing line. The groups can then get further sub-divided.
These Hallmark made holidays like Mother’s Day for me and my crew (the same can be said for some friends about Father’s Day) pose a unique set of challenges. Frankly it’s not an overly easy day (or week given the in-school emphasis) to get through.
This year in school, 9.5 had a little bit of an issue that I instructed the school was not an issue and they could deal with themselves and to leave my daughter alone. That being said, there still is the day to manage.
Last year (our first motherless Mother’s Day), I intentionally ignored the day. I kept the girls busy throughout the day, we did a bunch of cool stuff and I let the day pass with hardly a mention of Mother’s Day. I was pretty sure that strategy would not work again this year, and then with the call from school added in I needed to regroup.
After some thought and hearing from others who are widowed, I decided the balloon-a-gram approach. I talked to the girls on Thursday about getting some balloons and writing notes to mommy. We’d then tie the notes to the balloons and set them free.
So, this morning we did just that. The rule was you could share the note or not, it was completely up to the author. I offered up my note to both girls. Only 9.5 read it. 11.5 declined the invitation. Neither girl officially showed me their note. However, more than 15 years as a working journalist, one of the skills I mastered was reading upside down.
I tried not to be obvious and to respect the privacy of the girls. But I did want to watch for any signs of other issues I had to deal with. Happily there are none that I saw from the notes. What did strike me is that both girls made reference to heaven near the top of their notes.
This is not something they would get from me. I am fine with the thought process, I never want to invoke my thoughts on religion and spirituality upon them. Each of us told Risa that we’re doing OK and we missed her lots. 11.5 in a much longer note also wrote that she was happy that any suffering she was doing ended.
With some welled up tears away went the balloons. 9.5 even taped a piece of chocolate to hers.
And so, balloon-a-grams away-and into a non-Hallmark Sunday we go.
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Friday night for me was spent in the gym at the middle school where 11.5 and her friend did a short dance routine for the middle school talent show. They had 28 acts total, and the show took a little more than two hours to complete. Now, I did not stay for the whole thing, I was there for about 8 acts including 11.5′s.
From what I saw it was about what could be expected. Some good acts, some that left you wondering and mostly kids enjoying themselves. I give them all credit just for getting up and performing.
But this is about a different revelation I had at the show last night. The school administrator in charge was the assistant principal of the school, who frankly the couple of times I’ve spoken with him seems like a nice enough person. Yet there he was at the microphone welcoming parents, siblings and a healthy part of the middle school student body to the show-and left me scratching my head.
First came the line:
There are approximately 49 students taking part in the show tonight
This leaves me wondering couple of things. First, I would expect the school to know exactly how many kids are participating. Counting, beyond being a basic function of school seems to be a safety thing. Count how many kids, keep count etc. Beyond that, way back when I was in school, as it pertains to math the word approximately has a specific meaning:
Approximation usually occurs when an exact form or an exact numerical number is unknown or difficult to obtain. However some known form may exist and may be able to represent the real form so that no significant deviation can be found.
Based on math of the day when I was in sixth grade (circa 1979) the approximation would be, “There are approximately 50 kids performing tonight.”
I would have been OK with this faux pas of language and math skills, if it was not almost immediately followed by this gem:
We have to thank the PTO for ascertaining the stage for this show tonight
Ascertaining? Really? This guy mingles among the students (my daughter included) and helps guide the teacher and this is what he has to offer microphone in hand. Ascertaining?
To be sure I was not over thinking I checked dictionary.com and ascertaining means:
to find out definitely; learn with certainty or assurance;determine: to ascertain the facts.
Now clearly the school deuce meant “obtaining” and without sitting through the approximation twist of language I could have let it all slide. Instead, I have to wonder what other linguistic gems are spewed via microphone. It’s no wonder I spend a lot of time defining words that I think are pretty straight forward for a sixth grader-the language gets butchered at school.
UPDATE: So 9.0 went to school this morning which surprised me. So far, there’s been no call to go and get her.
So, here I sit before 5:30 in the morning. I’ve already been up for more than three hours and I am pretty sure the longest part of the day is yet to come. Already done though is the gym, shower, shave, folded laundry and two cups of coffee. Call this the glamorous side of being a single parent.
In no particular order, I am guessing I will be home with 9.0 today. I came home and she was complaining of a sore throat and it seemed like a legit complaint and given the allergy issues she’s had the last month or so I can easily see a trip to the pediatrician in the next five hours.
I’ve spent the last two days researching the difference between shin splints, stress fractures and other runner’s injuries that can leave a bruise in the area between the top of the ankle and calf. So far, I am not sure what it is. To be safe I’ve stopped running and have spent a lot of time on the stepper and bike at the gym. The upside is my endurance is good. The downside is this will set me back on my goals for building stamina.
Which brings us to this morning. For really no apparent reason at 2:15 I woke up and falling back to sleep was a failed effort. So at 3 I headed out to the gym. Since then I’ve been catching up on chores that can be done without waking up the girls.
Now this is living, right?
By no means to I consider myself a “green” person and certainly my house is not a “green” house. However there are things that I do because I feel they are beneficial to us in the house, better for society at large and in some ways can be construed as “green.”
One of those things is the use of non-toxic, only organic cleaning products in the house. We’ve been doing this for more than five years now. I do not have any loyalty to any specific product or product line. I can remember as I was making that change the pushback I got from Risa, and the continued pushback I get from our twice a month cleaning lady.
Both insist the organic/non-toxic products don’t work as well. I’ve yet to see that.
Then came this tidbit from an acquaintance bragging about the school she works in, and it confirms my belief that creating a non-toxic environment is a good thing.
Hampton Bays Middle School was recognized by the US Department of Education as a fully environmentally friendly school, and officials believe that going green has helped to raise grades as well as environmental awareness. “I think there is a correlation between being motivated to learn and academic performance,” said Principal Dennis Schug. State test scores have risen four-percent and attendance is improving as well. “There is something to it. I have perfect attendance, I haven’t had a sick day since this building opened,” said Kathy Dayton, an art teacher.
Hampton Bays Middle School was recognized by the US Department of Education as a fully environmentally friendly school, and officials believe that going green has helped to raise grades as well as environmental awareness.
“I think there is a correlation between being motivated to learn and academic performance,” said Principal Dennis Schug.
State test scores have risen four-percent and attendance is improving as well.
“There is something to it. I have perfect attendance, I haven’t had a sick day since this building opened,” said Kathy Dayton, an art teacher.
I won’t profess to be the keeper of all the green knowledge, nor am I a total believer that there is no way to make good trade offs. I do believe though the environment is important, and I will do all I can to keep the environment here as healthy as I can.
Mixed into my watching four pre-teen softball games over two days this weekend was an ever rarer set of circumstances that just never happens any longer and in some ways it’s for the best and in other ways, its something I miss.
The girls and I did all the food shopping together this weekend for the first time in years.
Now for the uninitiated to the inner workings of our house I am very finicky about what is purchased on the consumables side. I make a trip usually first thing Saturday morning to our local produce store for fruits and vegetables. They also have fresh-cut meats there so I pick up proteins there as well. If the line permits I also hit the deli counter here, otherwise there is an Italian specialty shop next door to my dry cleaner. On Sunday night – usually after dinner while the girls are hitting the shower – I make a run to the local supermarket to fill in on the rest of the stuff (milk, juice, bread etc).
Perhaps not the most efficient way to keep the house stocked, but it works and I think we get a better quality of meats and produce.
Because of scheduling between doctor’s appointments and softball I could not get to the produce store first thing Saturday morning. Instead, the girls and I had to return our rental skis and since we were there we made a quick stop in. It had been so long since 11.5 was there she even commented that it had been awhile.
Tonight after the fourth of the four softball games I asked the girls if either of them wanted to hit the supermarket with me. Usually this is a rhetorical question, instead 9.0 said she was in. After a little convincing, 11.5 went with us too.
There were not comments about how long its been since we all went to the store, but I can honestly say I do not remember the last time I took them both to all the weekend shopping. Call it a throwback weekend-go figure.
As I mentioned yesterday, the schedule this weekend is a mess, and the eventuality that would not help the most occurred, a rain out of 9.0′s softball game. The funny thing about the rain out is it came as the sun came out for the first time all day. I guess the fields were not in safe and playable condition…
Anyway, with a suddenly open night with the girls (I was work from home on Friday) we set out to begin chipping away at the next major hurdle that looms, the camp checklist 2012 edition. In a four-hour excursion we hit three stand-alone stores, four or five places at the mall and dinner. The haul was rain boots, rain coats (you have no idea how tough it is to find these items), sandals, flip-flops and socks. Plus a nice dinner at Bobby Flay’s burger place.
Before going out, the girls did an inventory of shorts, t-shirts and bathing suits and I think we are all good there, so we are pretty close to being shopping complete for camp.
When all is said and done I can easily say I used my time wisely and we accomplished a lot.
But then came the nagging feeling the while we accomplished a lot, could the “found” time have been better utilized? In one semi-failed relationship, one not started relationship and one I can’t figure out what is going on relationship-time and scheduling have been at the crux of the breakdowns. Largely the way I schedule time and the lack of time I schedule for myself.
So, yes I was a good parent and we did a lot. But was I as good to myself as I could be? As I looked back in the mirror this morning brushing my teeth (I did not shave) I thought about this and all in all I am good with where I’m at and what I’ve done and will do over the course of this weekend and into next month.
The girls and I are a package. We are all in this together and anyone who wants to be in has to understand this.
Heading into the weekend-with the weather forecast not good, I am kind of hoping to be able to make it through all the softball games, the recent spate of rain outs has made my carefully balanced schedule a mess. Sometimes it’s like being in a maze, and trying to find the way out.
So, all things being equal, it’s 9.0 softball tonight, a double-header tomorrow with 11.5 at 3:45 and 9.0 at 6. We wrap the softball weekend up Sunday morning with 11.5′s game at 9AM-which is usually when my weekly softball game is. So that’s not happening already.
All of this is to make up for games lost this week to random changes and rainouts. Despite losing the entire weekend to softball-it’s better than trying to juggle more during the week.
And speaking of during the week, it was a kind of eventful as it ended.
A friend and co-worker gave his notice that he was leaving, so we rolled out for a farewell event Wednesday night. Yeah, we had a few too many but we both made our way back to Penn Station. He went left to the NJ Transit side, and I went downstairs to the LIRR after saying good night. By the time I sat down on my train, my friend committed the greatest sin of corporate life in 2012-drunk emailing. Despite having two days left to go he was fired.
As for me, my Thursday morning was tough. I got the girls out with their breakfasts as usual, and made my way (with a hangover) to the train. Then the effect of drinking on me-I left my bag with my laptop and train ticket at home. So back into the car and back home (25 minutes each way) so I could get onto a train and make it through the rest of the work week, trying to piece together how Wednesday night got so sideways.
As if that were not enough, then comes the personal side of life-where I struggle and try to learn one lesson at a time. Each time I think I have a lesson learned (this one about communication) to pieces it goes. Personal life back to the drawing board too….
Ah well, it’s the weekend. If the rain holds out, it’s about four weeks until the end of softball season.
One of the moments parents of any stripe have to judge and think about is discipline and sending a message to our kids about what is expected, what is accepted and when expectations are not met, what is the consequence. Over time I’ve found this gets measured based on the maturity of my children, the importance of the infraction – rarely though do I consider the consequence because even if there’s a right outcome the path to getting there may not be the way to go.
One of the advantages of a dual parent household is the two can play off of one another, so there is not just one voice of discipline. Classic good cop/bad cop approach. This helps changing the voice and tone of discipline and correction and I believe stops the children from tuning out.
In a non-child involved way I saw this last night. At a friend’s house to kill some time before reclaiming both girls from different events my friend was lamenting that one of his dog’s had tuned him out because for the last few weeks all the dog had heard was “dumb dog” from him. My thesis here is that children can be the same way (but obviously not dogs).
Case one is 11.5 who desperately wants to be a teenager. And that’s fine. What is not fine is her occasional need to tell stories for no reason at all. This week our sitter asked her to call me before a friend came over mid-week for dinner. Generally, if homework is done and the sitter is OK with it, it’s not a problem. But the rule is, there has to be a call to me because I want to know who’s in the house and what is going on. When asked if she called me, 11.5 said yes. There was no call. Needless to say when I got home a little after 10 (it was Wing Night), I was surprised to find out that a friend was over.
Thursday morning, I quietly confronted 11.5 out of earshot of 9.0 and she knew right away what was wrong. She lost her iPod at least for the weekend, maybe into next week. Seems about right.
Then there is 9.0 who is somewhere between wanting to be 12 and staying a kid. She asked (ok begged) if she could walk from her school to a local ice cream place on Friday afternoon after school. It’s about half a mile between spots. I didn’t let 11.5 do this until she was in fifth grade. 9.0 in fourth grade gets the younger child advantage here. So I let her go. The plan was a walk to the ice cream place and then her friend’s father was going to pick them up and take them back to the friend’s house. For 9.0 this was going to roll into a sleepover (been there done that) so I had her pack her overnight bag Thursday night.
The deal was 9.0 would text me when they got to the ice cream place. Got that text about 20 minutes after school let out. Things are going well. Then she had to text me when they got to the friend’s house. At 5 there was no text. At 530 I called her cell phone-no answer. At 545 I called her cell phone-no answer. At 6 I called the friend’s house. ”I forgot,” was the response.
No sleepover. The explanation being you don’t want to be treated like a child and do things like walking to the ice cream place then you need to follow instructions.
Now, I am not overly naive here. I am pretty sure 11.5 will get caught up in another stupid lie that really serves no purpose, and I am sure 9.0 will offer up “I forgot” as the excuse, both probably before the weekend ends. Hopefully though they learned that there are expectations and acceptable outcomes and consequences for failure to hold up their end. We’ll see.
It’s been a while. Nearly a year in fact. But this morning the reluctant spiritualist reappeared. I suggest reading in here for more information, as this probably will not go too deep into detail. But today was a chance to go back and revisit a little where I’ve been and look ahead at where I’m going.
In thinking through attributes and what’s important from a list including: balance, patience, clarity of mind, single purpose and some others-and only being able to pick one to visualize, somehow I figured clarity of mind would be the one to focus on-from there the other attributes can flow. Or so I quickly reasoned.
As someone pointed out to me just today-there’s always something to do. But having the clarity of mind to prioritize would be a great skill to fall back on. Normally my mind is racing from event to event, what’s next, who do I need to talk to, where do I have to be next-I am rarely in the moment. I am usually five moves down the line.
So visualizing with clarity and letting myself see the moment for what it is has been my challenge today.
Then came the reminders of the stuff that didn’t fit into the neat compartments for today and that clarity of mind moment passed. But several times I came back to it to get myself back on track, to complete tasks, sort out what’s next, re-prioritize the rest of the day.
So maybe I was right-and clarity of mind is the key. But I can’t help but think balance would be a good trait to master too.
As usually happens after this type of session, I used some mind over matter to move a dangling pendulum in circles and between two points. Nearly two years later-that skill is one I am getting better at too.
I realized today (although I had tried to figure out where to slot it in for a couple of weeks now), this year’s run up to camp is about to hit full throttle. There are 62 days until the girls ship off for their second season of camp fun, I am determined to take the lessons from last year and apply them to this year.
This means trying to get out in front and sorting through the needs versus the optional, getting a jump on labels and packing, and be efficient in shopping.
Or, I can kind of wait until the last-minute.
The reality is, I’ll end up being somewhere between because there just are not enough hours in a day much less actual downtime to carry out everything over the next nine weekends-but we’ll give it a try. To that end, it started today.
I pulled out the bins of blankets, towels and other stuff stored away last summer and sorted through what was there and what wasn’t. The first big order was placed replace some stuff from last year and add to the collection of stuff that they didn’t have last year but really do need.
Next up is doing an inventory of what is available and then making time to hit the stores. I guess we’ll let the good times roll.
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